Post by Eden on Mar 1, 2021 23:49:08 GMT -5
Battle of the Blades
John Blade
You know... I'd heard this legend of John Blade, and part of it was that John Blade would never change. I'd heard about handlers that had tried to give you writing advice and that it was never listened to. I assumed that mine would be met with the same. Well, this week, you reminded me about what making assumptions makes me into. And despite having put Forbidden Fruit on break for the moment while I was trying to catch up the fed, here I am writing it, though I'm tired as nine hells right now. Because... while I don't actually know that my last bit had anything to do with it directly... the idea that it might actually have mattered to somebody and encouraged them to go outside their box or comfort zone? That's pretty neat. As for the content, I'd rate it a definite step up from your usual fare, and I wish it'd had proper competition to pit it against. All we can do about that now is to prepare something interesting for next time.
Abby Evans versus Orianna Johnson
Orianna Johnson
This takes a (wo)man versus environment direction rather than coming at the opponent head-on, which with prolonged feud plans is a good way to keep from burning through the bulk of your material early. Look forward to seeing where this one goes.
Abby Evans
Between the writer's two characters in Sanatorium, Abby has gotten less love in the past year-- till now. With the dominance of the lyrics, Abby kind of comes off as the human embodiment of that song that gets stuck in your head endlessly. It was neat to get to see her being the overconfident heel in the wake of the coffee shop rp.
The Hive versus Lobos de la Muerte
The Hive
The blue is not the easiest in the world to read on this background. But really, at this point, I'm jonesing for when I'll have enough time to give this place a reskin. A proper black background would probably clash with fewer colors. Dark Wolves? Wolves of Death, I believe, actually. Wait, Kass and Danae are the Titans of Legion, right-- that was on the tag app too-- does The Hive refer to all three of them + Mister J I'm guessing? Pretty strong argument, I'm definitely sadface that Nishida couldn't make it.
Sarah Lynn versus Phantom
Phantom
"we start to see a loom (like in the movie Wanted)"-- Which I haven't seen I don't think, and if I have it's been long enough that it's not conjuring up a visual. I'm already reading all the things everybody writes every week and then writing up this stuff, if a promo requires me to go look up visuals in an extra tab to cross-reference what it's talking about... just... you've lost me a bit out of the gate here. Could you try describing what it is that I'm supposed to be seeing? Moving on, there seem to be whole words missing in some of these sentences. You also seem to have a lot of "and/or" "destiny/fate" ect slash things going on in spoken dialogue. Maybe think about how someone would say that aloud naturally and try a rephrase. Overall, not your sharpest work, but we all have those kinda weeks sometimes.
Sarah Lynn
Deep thoughts with Sarah Lynn. That I like, her doing the work of dismantling what Phantom is all about. Suggestion, though-- consider showing your scene-setting/description stuff a little more love. It's worth a try, right? There were also random capitalizations throughout that I didn't get.
Chris Chaos versus Hugh Merus
Hugh Merus
When faced with an insurmountable opponent-- you went full nerd, and I love it. Also, an example of a movie reference done right-- I caught it, but even if I hadn't and thought that Merus was just speaking some random clunky pseudo-antique language bits, it would've still worked. And I'm getting bits of Warhammer reference in there, and there's probably more that I'm missing, but again it still works. The outcome of the Chaos Gods all bailing on him snuck in some selling as well.
Chris Chaos
See, I already appreciated the scene-setting work you were doing, and then you folded it right into the plot itself and made it relevant. Topped off with some sharp shit-talk that got right to the point and basically worked as a summary in a way. I couldn't ask for more.
Gabe Reno versus Mike Lavicle
Gabe Reno
That awkward moment when you hit play on the musical accompaniment and it stops in the middle to deliver a jolt of Charlie Manson. Ahem. Analysis, right. Could I have asked for better flow? Not really, and you managed to jam just about every other thing on my list in here to boot. My only suggestion is to keep doing what you're doing, it's appreciated.
Mike Lavicle
ASDHGLADSHGIOSHGDSKVHFF... *growls*... this is why you're the tag team champ. Not going to make it easy for me, are you? OH NOOOO, COULDN'T DO THAT. Ahem.
Legion versus Tora Nishida
Legion
Round two of me being sadface that Nishida couldn't make it this round. This could use some punctuation cleanup, but that's frankly the only thing I could think to ask of it. You're good, you know it and it'll be rewarded. In the end, maybe it's for the best you didn't waste a strong argument on this one.
Christy Winters versus Chucky Ross
Christy Winters
I think I remember suggesting you add quotation marks to delineate speech. It was effective, it really felt like it upped your flow in the piece. It also felt like more thought and effort went into this than usual, and the story with Giggles served a double purpose of framing why Christy is on the warpath against Chucky in this match especially, and also in just fleshing out who Christy is as a character with a spotlight on the crimes that brought her to the Sanatorium. I haven't read Chucky's as of writing this feedback spot so I don't know who wins yet, but I can say that viewing this piece individually as well as a progression of a writer... I know your moment holding the Underground title wass brief, but this honestly could merit a shot at Ross with the title on the line in the future, which would open the door for Christy to someday be a Triple Crown titleholder in the fed. I've gotten that you've felt some frustration with storylines, and I'm working on trying to get more of that set up for people in the future, including you. I guess the message is, hang in there, and keep aiming higher, if my praise means anything?
Chucky Ross
This opening-- part of me wants to go on a rant at Chucky that for a man in facepaint doing performative comedy he sure is particular about his specific designation (I mean, it could be worse, they could've called you a MIME)... but part of me is amused that he gets so upset about it, which as a heel-- it works. As for the nuts n' bolts, it could've used a slow down and double-read. "man with a gin" as a typo threw me off because gin is a word and as I am tired I had to stop and make myself think for a sec (Corey.exe is not responding) to work it out. You started a thought with "A jester was a figure that made nobility and various other high-ranking officials...", then skipped to the time period where it applied and never completed the thought with-- so I guess left out "laugh" at the least along with maybe some specification about political commentary being used within. I mean, can infer that, but then I'm doing the work for you. You did come through with a lot of fire, though, and that counts good on the Argument score for me. It also made me contemplate what the easiest way of skinning a human face would be. Like would it be easier to just break the nose bone and take it off cartilage and all, then do the fine work of digging that part out once it was free? Or would it be easier to work that part off while it was still fixed to the skull so you'd have some sort of leverage? Questions, questions.
Aaron Jones versus Kiera Katharsies
Kiera Katharsies
Or should I say KiKi? This was well done, enjoyable. On the side of improvement, in my opinion I think you have some structural/grammar/punctuation issues that could be cleared up to elevate your flow to the next level. It's the sort of thing that's less obvious on the surface than a simple spelling error. it might be easier than trying to explain it here for me to just paste one of your past works (such as this one maybe) into a GDoc, use the Editor feature to mark the changes, then share it so you could see. let me know if you're interested, and I'll give it a whack.
Aaron Jones
There are some structural issues, though less than KiKi's. For one thing, you mostly seem to be writing in present tense, but occasionally slip into past tense here and there-- clearing that up could raise your flow score. Then there's just the rare bits where another read, or slowing down when writing it, might catch something that doesn't quite deliver right-- like "you stoop that fucking low to kill a poor innocent ten years old's kid,"-- if I take that literally, how does a ten year old have a kid? I can infer what you mean, but it takes a mental millisecond pause, which interrupts the flow of the story. Again, your story shines out through it. There are sayings in writing like "writing is rewriting" or "first drafts basically exist to suck", and for me what they mean isn't going back to a completely clean doc and literally rewriting a whole other telling of the story-- it's just getting in the habit of doubling black to comb through for tweaks and errors and rephrasing of sentences until they feel smoother in my head. And when I say 'feel', it's something that just comes through practice-- I know you have a lot of practice, so it might just be something where, once it's pointed out it'll just click. I can do the GDoc thing I suggested to KiKi up there for you if you want me to. Random: I caught a wild sighting of a properly used semicolon in there. Those are rare in efedding, and they make me geek out a little. A quick little note as this has already gone too long: Aaron taking this antiwrestling stance to be honest makes me feel like you're underrating your shoot work when you have something to really sink your teeth into. This had the vigor that Tora should've brought to the Demolition title reign (no offense to him if he's reading this) and I'm interested to see if you can keep it up.
Top Five(ish) Promos of the Card
Gabe Reno
Mike Lavicle
Orianna Johnson
Chris Chaos
Aaron Jones
Rankings
(disclaimer: I need to check the math for accuracy when less tired, results may vary, objects in mirror closer than they appear, ect)
1. Gabe Reno 17.38
2. Mike Lavicle 16.95
3. Legion 16.75
4. Hugh Merus 16.5
5. Aaron Jones 16
6. V 15.5
7. Christy Winters 15.25
8. Jonathan Edwards 15.13
9. Sarah Lynn 14.56
10.Phantom 13.83
John Blade
You know... I'd heard this legend of John Blade, and part of it was that John Blade would never change. I'd heard about handlers that had tried to give you writing advice and that it was never listened to. I assumed that mine would be met with the same. Well, this week, you reminded me about what making assumptions makes me into. And despite having put Forbidden Fruit on break for the moment while I was trying to catch up the fed, here I am writing it, though I'm tired as nine hells right now. Because... while I don't actually know that my last bit had anything to do with it directly... the idea that it might actually have mattered to somebody and encouraged them to go outside their box or comfort zone? That's pretty neat. As for the content, I'd rate it a definite step up from your usual fare, and I wish it'd had proper competition to pit it against. All we can do about that now is to prepare something interesting for next time.
Abby Evans versus Orianna Johnson
Orianna Johnson
This takes a (wo)man versus environment direction rather than coming at the opponent head-on, which with prolonged feud plans is a good way to keep from burning through the bulk of your material early. Look forward to seeing where this one goes.
Abby Evans
Between the writer's two characters in Sanatorium, Abby has gotten less love in the past year-- till now. With the dominance of the lyrics, Abby kind of comes off as the human embodiment of that song that gets stuck in your head endlessly. It was neat to get to see her being the overconfident heel in the wake of the coffee shop rp.
The Hive versus Lobos de la Muerte
The Hive
The blue is not the easiest in the world to read on this background. But really, at this point, I'm jonesing for when I'll have enough time to give this place a reskin. A proper black background would probably clash with fewer colors. Dark Wolves? Wolves of Death, I believe, actually. Wait, Kass and Danae are the Titans of Legion, right-- that was on the tag app too-- does The Hive refer to all three of them + Mister J I'm guessing? Pretty strong argument, I'm definitely sadface that Nishida couldn't make it.
Sarah Lynn versus Phantom
Phantom
"we start to see a loom (like in the movie Wanted)"-- Which I haven't seen I don't think, and if I have it's been long enough that it's not conjuring up a visual. I'm already reading all the things everybody writes every week and then writing up this stuff, if a promo requires me to go look up visuals in an extra tab to cross-reference what it's talking about... just... you've lost me a bit out of the gate here. Could you try describing what it is that I'm supposed to be seeing? Moving on, there seem to be whole words missing in some of these sentences. You also seem to have a lot of "and/or" "destiny/fate" ect slash things going on in spoken dialogue. Maybe think about how someone would say that aloud naturally and try a rephrase. Overall, not your sharpest work, but we all have those kinda weeks sometimes.
Sarah Lynn
Deep thoughts with Sarah Lynn. That I like, her doing the work of dismantling what Phantom is all about. Suggestion, though-- consider showing your scene-setting/description stuff a little more love. It's worth a try, right? There were also random capitalizations throughout that I didn't get.
Chris Chaos versus Hugh Merus
Hugh Merus
When faced with an insurmountable opponent-- you went full nerd, and I love it. Also, an example of a movie reference done right-- I caught it, but even if I hadn't and thought that Merus was just speaking some random clunky pseudo-antique language bits, it would've still worked. And I'm getting bits of Warhammer reference in there, and there's probably more that I'm missing, but again it still works. The outcome of the Chaos Gods all bailing on him snuck in some selling as well.
Chris Chaos
See, I already appreciated the scene-setting work you were doing, and then you folded it right into the plot itself and made it relevant. Topped off with some sharp shit-talk that got right to the point and basically worked as a summary in a way. I couldn't ask for more.
Gabe Reno versus Mike Lavicle
Gabe Reno
That awkward moment when you hit play on the musical accompaniment and it stops in the middle to deliver a jolt of Charlie Manson. Ahem. Analysis, right. Could I have asked for better flow? Not really, and you managed to jam just about every other thing on my list in here to boot. My only suggestion is to keep doing what you're doing, it's appreciated.
Mike Lavicle
ASDHGLADSHGIOSHGDSKVHFF... *growls*... this is why you're the tag team champ. Not going to make it easy for me, are you? OH NOOOO, COULDN'T DO THAT. Ahem.
Legion versus Tora Nishida
Legion
Round two of me being sadface that Nishida couldn't make it this round. This could use some punctuation cleanup, but that's frankly the only thing I could think to ask of it. You're good, you know it and it'll be rewarded. In the end, maybe it's for the best you didn't waste a strong argument on this one.
Christy Winters versus Chucky Ross
Christy Winters
I think I remember suggesting you add quotation marks to delineate speech. It was effective, it really felt like it upped your flow in the piece. It also felt like more thought and effort went into this than usual, and the story with Giggles served a double purpose of framing why Christy is on the warpath against Chucky in this match especially, and also in just fleshing out who Christy is as a character with a spotlight on the crimes that brought her to the Sanatorium. I haven't read Chucky's as of writing this feedback spot so I don't know who wins yet, but I can say that viewing this piece individually as well as a progression of a writer... I know your moment holding the Underground title wass brief, but this honestly could merit a shot at Ross with the title on the line in the future, which would open the door for Christy to someday be a Triple Crown titleholder in the fed. I've gotten that you've felt some frustration with storylines, and I'm working on trying to get more of that set up for people in the future, including you. I guess the message is, hang in there, and keep aiming higher, if my praise means anything?
Chucky Ross
This opening-- part of me wants to go on a rant at Chucky that for a man in facepaint doing performative comedy he sure is particular about his specific designation (I mean, it could be worse, they could've called you a MIME)... but part of me is amused that he gets so upset about it, which as a heel-- it works. As for the nuts n' bolts, it could've used a slow down and double-read. "man with a gin" as a typo threw me off because gin is a word and as I am tired I had to stop and make myself think for a sec (Corey.exe is not responding) to work it out. You started a thought with "A jester was a figure that made nobility and various other high-ranking officials...", then skipped to the time period where it applied and never completed the thought with-- so I guess left out "laugh" at the least along with maybe some specification about political commentary being used within. I mean, can infer that, but then I'm doing the work for you. You did come through with a lot of fire, though, and that counts good on the Argument score for me. It also made me contemplate what the easiest way of skinning a human face would be. Like would it be easier to just break the nose bone and take it off cartilage and all, then do the fine work of digging that part out once it was free? Or would it be easier to work that part off while it was still fixed to the skull so you'd have some sort of leverage? Questions, questions.
Aaron Jones versus Kiera Katharsies
Kiera Katharsies
Or should I say KiKi? This was well done, enjoyable. On the side of improvement, in my opinion I think you have some structural/grammar/punctuation issues that could be cleared up to elevate your flow to the next level. It's the sort of thing that's less obvious on the surface than a simple spelling error. it might be easier than trying to explain it here for me to just paste one of your past works (such as this one maybe) into a GDoc, use the Editor feature to mark the changes, then share it so you could see. let me know if you're interested, and I'll give it a whack.
Aaron Jones
There are some structural issues, though less than KiKi's. For one thing, you mostly seem to be writing in present tense, but occasionally slip into past tense here and there-- clearing that up could raise your flow score. Then there's just the rare bits where another read, or slowing down when writing it, might catch something that doesn't quite deliver right-- like "you stoop that fucking low to kill a poor innocent ten years old's kid,"-- if I take that literally, how does a ten year old have a kid? I can infer what you mean, but it takes a mental millisecond pause, which interrupts the flow of the story. Again, your story shines out through it. There are sayings in writing like "writing is rewriting" or "first drafts basically exist to suck", and for me what they mean isn't going back to a completely clean doc and literally rewriting a whole other telling of the story-- it's just getting in the habit of doubling black to comb through for tweaks and errors and rephrasing of sentences until they feel smoother in my head. And when I say 'feel', it's something that just comes through practice-- I know you have a lot of practice, so it might just be something where, once it's pointed out it'll just click. I can do the GDoc thing I suggested to KiKi up there for you if you want me to. Random: I caught a wild sighting of a properly used semicolon in there. Those are rare in efedding, and they make me geek out a little. A quick little note as this has already gone too long: Aaron taking this antiwrestling stance to be honest makes me feel like you're underrating your shoot work when you have something to really sink your teeth into. This had the vigor that Tora should've brought to the Demolition title reign (no offense to him if he's reading this) and I'm interested to see if you can keep it up.
Top Five(ish) Promos of the Card
Gabe Reno
Mike Lavicle
Orianna Johnson
Chris Chaos
Aaron Jones
Rankings
(disclaimer: I need to check the math for accuracy when less tired, results may vary, objects in mirror closer than they appear, ect)
1. Gabe Reno 17.38
2. Mike Lavicle 16.95
3. Legion 16.75
4. Hugh Merus 16.5
5. Aaron Jones 16
6. V 15.5
7. Christy Winters 15.25
8. Jonathan Edwards 15.13
9. Sarah Lynn 14.56
10.Phantom 13.83