The Sweet N' Sour Report (Dystopia 09/06/20)

Disclaimer: The following is an In Character Review of the Dystopian program. As if this wrestler was watching the show and reviewing it, in universe. The thoughts herein are not reflective of any actual person or their opinions. The critiques expressed are not compliments or criticism of any particular handler, member of staff or otherwise. It is purely a work of fiction. So take anything said within with a grain of salt.

Without any further adieu, here is


The Sweet N’ Sour Report
By “The Quintastic One” Quint McCain.

Ahoy hoy! Man oh man has it been a while since I’ve done one of these. But there’s been a rumbling of sorts in the world of professional wrestling. You see, apparently one of my former employers by the name of World Wrestling Headquarters has been having a bit of renaissance of sorts. Fans are raving about the quality of their shows the past few weeks. Apparently putting on Pay Per View level performances by both it’s talent and the creative direction with every new episode aired on CBS and subsequently available on demand on Netflix subscriptions immediately after their live shows. So I keep getting people asking me. “Quint, when are you coming back to the ring? Quint, the competition is better than ever. Quint, please sign my baby.” Well to be fair, that last one happens irregardless of what’s happening in wrestling today.

But for a bit of preamble. The last time I wrestled for WWH I was on their Hellsgate Brand. Which apparently is now defunct and been turned into a Sanatorium. The Hellsgate Championship that I won at the main event of their last ever Wrestlemania before a series of name changes, is no longer around. Combined into the main title of Showdown, which is now Dystopia. It’s a shit show to follow, let me tell you. These days I’ve been so preoccupied with my Quintessential Gym and enjoying retirement with my hubby Teo Jakobah and our beautiful boy, Kore. Luckily for this review, the aforementioned Netflix streaming service just seems to have the new shit. Dystopia and Sanatorium. But I’m not about to go back and watch everything from the beginning to know what’s going on. I’m just gonna pop in for this latest episode, watching it with fresh eyes and see how good a job these guys do at hooking a new viewer in on current storylines and we’ll go from there! New shows. New management. New superstars (for the most part), new Sweet N’ Sour Report. You wanted it. You got it. Let’s do it!


First reactions, we open up to a cinematic accompanied by Get Loud For Me by Gizzy. Not really my jam but you can’t deny it’s perfect for that “Wrestle Rock/Rap” backdrops you expect from these kinda shows. I gotta admit...I have no clue who almost of any these people are. Chris Matthews still around? Check. The Order of the Souless still scaring little children? Check. Sah’ta Thor’s back?! Huh. That’s a surprise. I think I vaguely remember The Mad Tea Party kicking Blake Anderson’s teeth in from pillar to post. So nice to see he’s still trying. All in all, a lot of fresh faces. So the referrals certainly weren’t kidding when they told me everything was new.

Segment #1: Trouble In Paradise With Adonis & Creole Brulee.

Don’t at me. I really don’t care how badly I may have just screwed up this girls nationality. Interesting to see these two front row and center and there’s already trouble in paradise between the two. But they have a mutual beef with a guy named Fatzilla. Apparently “Marvelous” Mike Mason isn’t wrestling tonight. But The Beast is. Should be interesting to see how she mixes it up with the boys.

Match #1: Dakota Rabbit Vs. Belladonna Hunter

Ah the Shogun Tournament. I have fond memories of my first Shogun. And a Mad Tea Party was born. For this however, we are treated to a rather uninspiring affair of some generic diva style brawling and hair pulling before Chris Matthews comes out and beats women to cause a disqualification. I gotta tell you, with his reputation as a stone cold transphobe, this doesn’t surprise me one bit. Love you Matt.

Rating: 1 Quintessence outta 5.

Segment #2: Vehicular Manslaughter

Josh Kaine and Maggie McIntyre get into a bit of a road rage incident backstage. I suppose this is a great time to mention the column this week is sponsored by Yeti Tumblers. From bottles to mugs to tumblers, Yeti’s are built for the wild. Completely indestructible, and will keep your drinks as hot or cold as science allows. Twenty Ounce, Thirty Ounce, nearly a dozen different color combinations. And the mugs and pints are STACKABLE. Treat yourself with a Yeti Rumbler Tumbler, and you too can say IT’S THE YET-EH!

Match #2: Becca Wildeline Vs. Zolton

To be fair, I’ve heard a little bit of the reputation of Zolton. Never actually seen a match of his. But he certainly LOOKS like a superstar out there. This wasn’t so much a wrestling match as it was a dirty, nasty brawl. And as some of you may know, I was known as The Filth God back in the day. So I absolutely LOVED this shit! They literally bit scratched, clawed, gouged and hit each other where the sun don’t shine. If I wasn’t already married I’d love this she-beast. Zolton got choked out but that’s illegal in most states without consent. So Becca was rightfully disqualified. We’re two for two on Shogun matches ending in DQ. So as exciting as that brawl was, it’s not looking real good for the legitimacy of this tournament if every match is just gonna end in shady finishes.

Rating: 2 Quintessence Outta 5. For the sheer brutality of it all.

Segment #3: The Prodigal Son Returns, Again?

I am very well acquainted with Sah’ta Thor. We’ve ran promotions together, been allies and bitter enemies. I was around when he first won the International Championship in WWH. I don’t frankly know what happened behind the scenes, I left the backstage politics behind me at that point. But he has an interesting proposition here as he wants to unify what he calls the Utopian Championship with a belt he claims to have never lost. I’d warn Stephanie Matsuda, as a guy who got duped by Thor beforehand unifying the SWE Elite Championship with the XVI World Titles, Thor will never be more dangerous than he is fighting for something he truly wants.

Match #3: Renee Jonae Vs. Latoya Hixx

I gotta be honest with you. We’re 3 matches in and have seen 1 actual male competitor in the ring in an official capacity. It wouldn’t have changed my mind to check out Dystopia, but it woulda been nice to be warned ahead of time that by “Rebirth” of WWH, I was heading into the next G.L.O.W. of professional wrestling. My perception isn’t satiated with what looked to be a glorified squash match for Renee either. I’m thus far three for three with not being real impressed. Although to be fair to Zolton and Becca, there’s is more a victim of circumstance to the DQ finish than anything.

Rating: 1 Quintessence Outta 5. It was what it was.

Segment #4: He’s A Big Boy Now!

The second set of hype segments leading up to Thor Vs. Godzilla is featured, and I appreciate what this kid is trying to do. But he really came out of this with a lot of word vomit. Like he was panicked to mention as many plots he’s involved in as possible like he was in a lightning round of topics to cover before heading to the ring. He’s got shit going on with Thor, with that Mason guy, with Zolton, with Becca. Classic example of a dude putting his hand in too many cookie jars and not focusing enough on Sah’ta Thor. I have a feeling that’s gonna bite him in his Godzilla sized ass.

Match #4: Demetrius Lane Vs. Sah’ta Thor

Well well well. When you’re right you’re right. Thor is as good as ever. Which is pretty scary thinking I was going toe to toe with him what, 10 years ago? Jesus. To give the new kid credit he definitely looked good out there. I may be a little bias because this is the first actual match on the card with two male superstars, with a solid, no games finish and a true back and forth effort of wrestling skill. Kudos to Thor showing he’s still got it. I think if they haven’t been taking him seriously about his desires to unify the mid card belts yet, he definitely put the champions of this place on notice with a big win.

Rating: 3 Quintessence Outta 5. Seemed a little short for my tastes. But when all it takes is three seconds and you’re taking on a rookie? Things tend to end up that way.

Segment #5: Order of the Potty Mouths

I feel like with that last match, this show definitely picked up the pace. Maybe it’s just because I’m bias with my familiarity with Thor and the Souless Sisters. But having some real big names I know of definitely helps with the enjoyment.

This was short, sweet, to the point. Very much unlike the style I’m used to with the Order. Heh. I have fond memories of beating the stuffing out of those girls with Teo Jakobah for the Tag Titles. But tonight they promise they won’t be denied.

Match #5: Victoria Lyons Vs. Josh Kaine

We saw Josh Kaine earlier in the evening. Which causes me to remind you. If you haven’t done it yet, stop reading, go buy yourself a Yeti Rumbler Tumbler, then come back and thank me with a like, heart, SMASH THAT MOTHER FUCKING SUBSCRIBE BUTTON, and join my Onlyfans if you wanna see me pe-nevermind.

In all seriousness, if a guy getting Alice in Chains to play his entrance music isn’t enough to get you hyped for a match...You’re probably a responsible, middle aged suburban housewife raised on Garth Brooks and think wrestling and MMA are the same thing. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. You’re just a piece of shit and I have no respect for you. Moving on!

There was a whooole lotta fluff here getting in the way of a true wrestling contest though. Lots of callbacks to Victoria’s stablemates, The Revolutionaries. Then someone named Nikki Caldwell shows up, she’s got history with the Alice in Chains groupie. Ultimately helping him get the win over Miss Lyons. But it seems unclear that he’s actually working with the Ashes of the Wake. Oh the tangled webs we weave.

Rating: 3 Quintessence Outta 5. More for the sizzle rather than the steak.


Segment #6: The Addams Family Are A National Treasure.

And fuck this Dynamic Duo for ever saying a disparaging word about ‘em. I hope they lose.

Match #6: Striker/Vargas & Urmommy Vs. Matthews/Paige & Spencer.

I have a feeling I’m going to get a hit put on me from the Yakuza if I keep calling this Minami fellow Urmommy so we’ll end the punchline there. This match, conceptually, felt like one of those Japanese multi-man clusterfucks they use to mask the weaknesses of individual players involved. And with Chris Matthews being such an unrepentant woman beater, it was nice to see them at least attempt some level of decorum here to reign that in.

And they did a pretty good job of that for a while there. But Vargas tried to tag herself in and take vengeance for women everywhere and it all went south from there. We didn’t really get to see a lick of what Pandora can still do. But it wasn’t necessary as the pair of misogynists Spencer & Matthews had their way with Mercedes and this was just uncomfortable to watch.

Rating: Two Quintessence Outta 5. Someone putt Wildeline in against Matthews. Maybe that’ll teach him the error of his ways.


Segment #7: Double Mint Gum Returns

See, this is the kind of stuff that we’re talking about. Saht’a Thors return to the company. This Orianna lady. Courtney Steele. It’s all telling the tale of a company that once was and drove away many talents and quite frankly, fans. But the word of mouth is spreading. You’ve even got old Quintastic One’s eyes prying in on this product for the first time in years. Change is happening in WWH. And despite what I’ve said about the glut of women’s wrestling on this brand, I’m looking forward to seeing these two ladies and whomever their partners may be as they test the waters and see if WWH really is different.

Match #7: Tag Team Title TLC

You see? You what happens when you make fun of the Addams Family? Especially THIS close to Spooky Season? Let’s hope this was a very hard lesson learned for the Dynamic Duo. It was almost expected, really. As they touched on earlier in the show, it had been 6 months since these chicks even DEFENDED the belts. They kinda teased that Striker & Urami were a team. Maybe with the Sisters winning the straps things can open up a bit with some other tag teams wanting to test their mettle. Teo and I didn’t sacrifice blood sweat and tears to elevate those belts just to see them never featured on television! Sorry, sorry. Getting heated. Heh. Let’s move on.

Rating: I’ll give it three Quintessence outta 5. It was what you could expect from the sacrificial hardcore style of the Soulless Sisters. Didn’t really get to see too much of what the Dynamic Duo can well...do...oh.

Segment #8: Cedrone & Havoc Jack Some Jaws. Get It? Because Havoc’s paint is like a giant Jaw? No? Nothing?

Seriously. Fuck you guys.

We’ve been through a lot of promos on this show. And I have to tell you, this one right here is the first one that actually got me 100% behind a guy in the promotion I haven’t heard of yet. Johnny Cedrone is the kinda white meat babyface you can get behind. He fights for love? Fuck yeah dude, you’ve got my support 100%. I hope Havoc will forgive me. But I just have a hard time trusting a guy who’s mouth extends to his stomach via body paint. Just aint natural.


Match #8: Johnny Cedrone Vs. Havoc

I have to admit. I am confused after watching this match. There are so many questions. There was very little actual wrestling in this main event contest. Lots of shenanigans. With the two valets. A claw machine. A paddle boat ride. Interactions with theme park staff. Ashes of the Wake Minions doing the dirty work of the champ. More plushies. Apparently there’s some sort of symbolism I’m supposed to understand regarding Havoc and Porky Pig? Nikkie Caldwell shows up again. Here comes the Revolutionaries. Then there’s some tribal dancing around the Porky Pig. I’m not making any of this up folks. This wasn’t a wrestling match. It was some sort of performance art masquerading as wrestling. Eventually things somehow get back into the ring, and Cedrone picks up a win. But this whole thing was just...overbooked in the word. When even the commentators are questioning if a match is still happening, and the superstars are winking at each other with a job well done just before and after the finish like they planned this whole bizzaro theatre together. It really takes some of the shine off of Johnny’s big win here. I hope the guy gets his due and gets a shot at one of those championships Havoc holds and they can fight like they really want to destroy each other as opposed to this pre-planned, sideshow theatre of horrors we were exposed to tonight.

Rating: 2 Quintessence Outta 5. If we’re rating it as a wrestling match. 4 Quintessence Outta 5 if we’re rating it as an Improv Theatre production bought and paid for by Six Flags to entertain paying customers to their park with a free “wrestling” show.


Overall Rating: 2 Quintessence Outta 5. Based on average match ratings.

Honestly, the rating feels a little low. I was in many ways, Sports Entertained by this outing. But in terms of wrestling content? We only really got really good contests out of Sah’ta Thor Vs. Demetrius Lane, with some shining moments from Josh Kaine Vs. Victoria Lyons and The Tag Team TLC Match for the sheer spectacle of it all. The promos seem great. Everyone who spoke, for the most part, seemed to know why they were there and what they wanted. I feel like I was properly introduced to the characters involved. So that may help with future ratings as I become more familiar with these folks. But my stream didn’t end with me feeling like “Damn. The talent pool here is really deep. Those guys put on a clinic out there.”

And I know the clap back to those comments are gonna be “Well wHy DoNt yOu GeT iN ThE RiNg?!” and find out what it’s really like? Trust me folks, WWH couldn’t afford my booking guarantee. Let alone the actual purse. Maybe if you ask Teo real nice...Otherwise you’d have to do something really crazy like convince Nick Sanderson or Konrad Raab to come back and shut me up. Haha! Like that'll ever happen.

Until next time folks, Stay Just...Quintastic!