Forbidden Fruit #1 | Dystopia 08/23/2020
Aug 26, 2020 15:04:41 GMT -5
πΎππππ ππΌππππππ, Jonny Cedrone, and 2 more like this
Post by Eden on Aug 26, 2020 15:04:41 GMT -5
Welcome to the first edition of Forbidden Fruit! So what exactly is Forbidden Fruit, you might ask? It's where I dangle my feedback and input, also serving as a recap of what's going down in the fed, written as I read the promos of the week. Dare you consume?
Please note that if constructive criticism doesn't suit you, upsets you, or any such, you're free to message me opting out. The whole thing benefits me too, as making myself articulate what I thought about a piece helps me in scoring fairly. And if I lose you on something, or you need more elaboration, feel free to ask and I'll try to get it to you soon as I'm free.
This week's show served as the last before Shogun, and the storylines in the matches themselves are mostly not that deep, but I was looking to give a stage to the competitors to stabilize their bigger storylines before we get into round robin madness. As frontrunners start to be established in Shogun later, those not finishing ahead should be able to start picking up those storylines that'll fill out the rest of the card beyond the two hallmark matches in the annual event.
Jonna Austin versus Perish
A simple bout to serve as a debut for Perish and a return for Jonna. Due to Perish's writer's departure from competition here, this unfortunately was destined to be won via noshow.
Jonna Austin
A soft restart of sorts for Jonna after a bit of a mess and botched communication. Not sure how the 'took a break with new management' story works in character when Jonna was shown on our shows losing, but I can kind of mentally commute that to a "lost her step in the ring from a lack of confidence in new management" situation. Oftentimes taking out-of-character stuff in-character gets a bad rap, and sometimes it can deserve it, but there are times it can be used to provide material with more potential depth and legs than a minor injury explanation might. Jonna's twin gives her someone to bounce off of here. She doesn't go into too much depth on her opponent, but since he was known to be noshowing due to leaving, it's understandable to not get too deep into potential feud territory with essentially what's going to be a blank space. It does stand to give her some decent footing to rebound with, though.
Mercedes Vargas versus Nicholas King
A chance for Mercedes to rebound from her missed opportunity in the Womens #1 Contender match, and a chance for Nicholas to outrun a loss.
Mercedes Vargas
Mercy starts with a good location setup, which I'm a sucker for. Real-world inspiration, enough detail to picture while not going Tolkien on us and getting lost in the surroundings. The letter to the Queen about Nicholas was a clever setup, though it felt like it didn't have enough room to really fly to its full potential, I'm guessing due to length. All in all, this piece felt shorter than it was, which speaks to it not dragging anywhere. Competent work from an ewrestling veteran, there could be a place for Mercedes in the WWH rebirth if she can just get a hang on consistency in showing up.
Nicholas King
King back with his classic attitude, and manages to slip in a little bit of a sell of results with mentioning the use of his entourage and the consequences of their actions, furthering his personal storyline. Selling's not so easy with a cocky gimmick, so kudos there. Beating up a lookalike is a classic, while not innovative it gets the job done.
Lilith Evans versus Valentina
While I understand there's a bit of an angle going on with this match, I was disappointed that the other writer involved didn't see fit to put out anything. A shaky start to this storyline's takeoff.
Lilith Evans
The purple isn't the easiest to read, is it? Very short bit, but cutting argument. The slut-shaming bit made me question if there was ic/ooc bleed regarding the writer's other characters, but on the other hand it's an easy target on an opponent that hasn't given Lilith anything else to really work with besides the default.
Mad Dog versus Charlotte Ross
No deep storyline here, but an opportunity for a newcomer to test his mettle and a WWH veteran to further a renewed direction.
Mad Dog
A little musical tie in can add to the art of a piece, as long as it isn't overwhelming. The tie in of real world issues with the pandemic and money makes the piece easy to relate to, and with Mad Dog new enough in the company and not used last card, still makes enough sense even though he's signed to a pretty big wrestling company. This kind of use of a relationship gives a little depth to a character-- storytelling in its essence is often about the struggle, it makes a character relatable, hooks you. This has organic description with use of culturally relevant details, which makes us immediately understand who Mad Dog is even if you'd never read a previous piece. The physicality of his task of chopping wood gives us a feel for the edge of the character-- his muscle is all utility. And I gotta love a hillbilly who still knows his Greek myths. Handled the intergender nature well. Would like to see the grammar rule of starting a new paragraph for a change of speaker used in the future, though.
Charlotte Ross
A moment of clarity in the usually insane ramblings of Charlotte, no cult hijinks this time either-- maybe even Charlotte has to take Mad Dog seriously. The conflict of the grand plans of the Soulless with the petty dislikes of Charlotte for Mad Dog added a bit of levity and a touch of insanity to the feel of the piece, an appreciable use of a writing tool. Wound up feeling longer than it was.
Marvelous Mike Mason versus Dakota Rabbit
Dakota, where art thou? I know we took a minute to properly book her, but I was hoping to see what the other half of Bunny Burrow was made of. Also could've built to a confrontation in the future of their respective teams.
Marvelous Mike
Much like the writer's work on Mad Dog, the sense of Mason's identity cuts through immediately to the reader. As noted with Nicholas King, it's hard to sell with a character that has a massive ego, one difficulty to playing the type. But in this Mason manages to address his loss from his own point of view without losing ground, with hints of an unreliable narrator perspective that works so well with heels. The sexism as a gimmick is framed in a way to make it nonoffensive out-of-character; clearly Mason's heel and we aren't meant to agree with him, and he still does it with a flair that makes it entertaining. This kind of thing is why I'm hesitant to blanket ban ic bigotry, because in the right hands it can be part of a story worth telling. A love-to-hate heel is one that puts asses in seats, or in this case keeps readers coming back for more promos. This did drag a teeny bit. The use of Creole by our unseen speaker gives a hint to who they might be for the reader committed enough to do a little research, without being enough to lose a reader who isn't.
Josh Kaine versus Jacob Striker
Another new face going against a veteran here, in the leadup to Shogun. These two felt evenly matched and interesting in booking, and I was curious to see what they'd make of one another. Admittedly, it was very close, so I was right in that regard.
Josh Kaine
This is a writer who's done it long enough to acquire their flow, and spent enough time with the character in question to build their background universe to give the feel of a fully formed person. Background characters shared with existing roster members (admittedly mine, but still) helps tie in a feeling of relevancy, along with the tie to an existing roster member directly in a future feud. I'd ask how Josh perhaps feels about Nikki's current line in Ashes of the Wake with Havoc, but I get the feeling a bit of mystery is intended here. The initiative taken to mess with Roo (with permission ooc) makes it easier to arrange storylines from a fedhead perspective. I'm wondering how this line is going to play alongside Josh being in Shogun. Could've spent more time on Striker, but as a newcomer there's understandably a lot of personalities to take in in a short time, so I'll give a little leeway early on.
Jacob Striker
Striker comes in with the fire after ghosting us last round, showing similar hallmarks of an established character universe and continuity, albeit maybe with a little less flow and flair. What he does have to his advantage though is a sense of relevance, both to his history in the fed and the fed itself. A bit of lost advantage here in the feeling I have that the bulk of his argument came as a response to Kaine's, and wondering what he'd have said otherwise.
Triple Threat Tag Team
We further the tag team revival with a little action that gives two of Dystopia's couples a chance to get a feel for their bond in competition, along with tying into the Noah Hanson/Paul Sinclair general manager feud before Shogun takes over our booking spread and makes stories more difficult to wedge in.
Blake Anderson
No frills here, we don't even give the interviewer a name or gender-- Blake's strength is raw argument, and bahgawd he uses it. No wasted space, his guns are aimed firmly at the Noah storyline and long term.
Chris Matthews
The relationship storyline works for Chris here, as tagging with Pandora means he can strut his stuff in showing their connection with it remaining relevant to the match. A classic Matthews piece with a practiced flow that gets mildly clunky here and there. I'm not sure where the Savior of Dystopia theme comes from or ties in, though, except that the picbase is doing the gimmick. There's an unexpected amount of vitriol at Hunter, almost makes me want to make a storyline out of this. A lot gets done in the allotted space. Unfortunately, it also goes slightly over its allotted space.
Belladonna Hunter
While I'm someone who downplays formatting and layouts in efedding compared to some in favor of content, this could use some space management tactics to make it more readable-- mainly with the big chunk o' paragraph early on. It's good to give things a little visual space and let your points sink in. She takes us on a rollercoaster of emotion from despair at loss to rage at her opponent's words, for sure, which makes Hunter relatable. I kind of like her teaming with Blake, there's a balance there, though they won't be able to team for a while with Shogun coming up and Blake's storyline with Noah. Maybe for the best, as I'm not quite sure how comfortable the characters were with it in the end.
Tiger Towers
A bit short of a piece for this match given the amount of players competing in it. A very basic touching on of opponents, a little bit of insight in their lives with the bus and water park bit. Feels rather bare bones.
Pandora Barrett
The practiced flow is here, the high-readability format is a plus. "I don't even know who you are" seldom buys much slack with me (finding out is literally your character's job), though as new as Tiger Towers are in their return it's in part understandable. The argument leans on responding to this week's work a bit much, but she spends time building team solidarity here beyond that, which lays groundwork for more long term storylines.
Godzilla versus Zolton versus Sah'ta Thor
A straight up battle-of-gods-and-monsters dream match for its own sake before Shogun. A chance for Zolton and Thor to fill out their returns and show us what they're made of, and for Demetrius Lane to see if he can continue his roll in the face of stiffer competition.
Demetrius Lane
The rich attention paid to description and scene setting here is admirable and branches out to multiple senses. Food ties into culture, and culture ties into identity, which gives us a bit more insight into who Demetrius is. So does his family dynamic. It also unfortunately eats up a lot of his available real estate in introduction, even being in the semi-main-- on the up side, I'd guess that future use of the characters introduced here could be abbreviated to reminders in the future after doing this foundation work. There's no traditional oncam shoot or interview, but really, the scene presented covers the argument well enough without needing a rehash, and it does it in a different and more natural setting. I look forward to more!
Zolton
There's story flowing-- apparently the girl highlighting his life is a different one from the last piece, which kinda overturns for me the argument last show about how the power of real love had renewed him? The fourth-wall-breaking narrator dialogue doesn't do the most favors for me, but maybe it's one of those acquired taste charms individual to a character. The writer is good, this can't be denied, but this felt like losing a step this round. The argument section makes up for a bit, though.
Sah'ta Thor
This didn't make the minimum word count, but understanding that the writer was under real life stress, I'm glad he made the effort and showed up. Thor might be in multiple feds, but he does a decent job of laying the groundwork for his feud with Cedrone here. And while doing so, he's not putting too much of his future material out there and still keeping an eye on his opponents of the week. While I'm familiar with the writer from years back, I'm looking forward to seeing what he can do in 2020 when he gives it an appropriate amount of time.
International Title Match
Jonny Cedrone
While I don't feel like the writer has fully found their flow or niche yet, I have to say I'm perpetually impressed by the selling and the pure babyface portrayal of Cedrone. It's a set of advanced skills which not many on this roster-- or current efedding-- have mastered. And he does it without tipping over into a tone that could easily come off as too condescending in this sort of role. It's going to make for an interesting clash with the very different Sah'ta Thor, which I'm drooling to see. Phrasing gets a little clunky towards the end, but good effort.
Stephanie Matsuda
Much smoother flow than her opponent, but could use some work on spacing things out and letting her points breathe in smaller paragraphs. Matsuda is successful in multiple promotions for a reason, and she sells well without losing footing.
Top Five Promos Of The Card:
Mad Dog, Godzilla, Stephanie Matsuda, Jonny Cedrone, Josh Kaine.
Honorable mention to Chris Matthews, who would've tied with Kaine but for his DQ.
Please note that if constructive criticism doesn't suit you, upsets you, or any such, you're free to message me opting out. The whole thing benefits me too, as making myself articulate what I thought about a piece helps me in scoring fairly. And if I lose you on something, or you need more elaboration, feel free to ask and I'll try to get it to you soon as I'm free.
This week's show served as the last before Shogun, and the storylines in the matches themselves are mostly not that deep, but I was looking to give a stage to the competitors to stabilize their bigger storylines before we get into round robin madness. As frontrunners start to be established in Shogun later, those not finishing ahead should be able to start picking up those storylines that'll fill out the rest of the card beyond the two hallmark matches in the annual event.
Jonna Austin versus Perish
A simple bout to serve as a debut for Perish and a return for Jonna. Due to Perish's writer's departure from competition here, this unfortunately was destined to be won via noshow.
Jonna Austin
A soft restart of sorts for Jonna after a bit of a mess and botched communication. Not sure how the 'took a break with new management' story works in character when Jonna was shown on our shows losing, but I can kind of mentally commute that to a "lost her step in the ring from a lack of confidence in new management" situation. Oftentimes taking out-of-character stuff in-character gets a bad rap, and sometimes it can deserve it, but there are times it can be used to provide material with more potential depth and legs than a minor injury explanation might. Jonna's twin gives her someone to bounce off of here. She doesn't go into too much depth on her opponent, but since he was known to be noshowing due to leaving, it's understandable to not get too deep into potential feud territory with essentially what's going to be a blank space. It does stand to give her some decent footing to rebound with, though.
Mercedes Vargas versus Nicholas King
A chance for Mercedes to rebound from her missed opportunity in the Womens #1 Contender match, and a chance for Nicholas to outrun a loss.
Mercedes Vargas
Mercy starts with a good location setup, which I'm a sucker for. Real-world inspiration, enough detail to picture while not going Tolkien on us and getting lost in the surroundings. The letter to the Queen about Nicholas was a clever setup, though it felt like it didn't have enough room to really fly to its full potential, I'm guessing due to length. All in all, this piece felt shorter than it was, which speaks to it not dragging anywhere. Competent work from an ewrestling veteran, there could be a place for Mercedes in the WWH rebirth if she can just get a hang on consistency in showing up.
Nicholas King
King back with his classic attitude, and manages to slip in a little bit of a sell of results with mentioning the use of his entourage and the consequences of their actions, furthering his personal storyline. Selling's not so easy with a cocky gimmick, so kudos there. Beating up a lookalike is a classic, while not innovative it gets the job done.
Lilith Evans versus Valentina
While I understand there's a bit of an angle going on with this match, I was disappointed that the other writer involved didn't see fit to put out anything. A shaky start to this storyline's takeoff.
Lilith Evans
The purple isn't the easiest to read, is it? Very short bit, but cutting argument. The slut-shaming bit made me question if there was ic/ooc bleed regarding the writer's other characters, but on the other hand it's an easy target on an opponent that hasn't given Lilith anything else to really work with besides the default.
Mad Dog versus Charlotte Ross
No deep storyline here, but an opportunity for a newcomer to test his mettle and a WWH veteran to further a renewed direction.
Mad Dog
A little musical tie in can add to the art of a piece, as long as it isn't overwhelming. The tie in of real world issues with the pandemic and money makes the piece easy to relate to, and with Mad Dog new enough in the company and not used last card, still makes enough sense even though he's signed to a pretty big wrestling company. This kind of use of a relationship gives a little depth to a character-- storytelling in its essence is often about the struggle, it makes a character relatable, hooks you. This has organic description with use of culturally relevant details, which makes us immediately understand who Mad Dog is even if you'd never read a previous piece. The physicality of his task of chopping wood gives us a feel for the edge of the character-- his muscle is all utility. And I gotta love a hillbilly who still knows his Greek myths. Handled the intergender nature well. Would like to see the grammar rule of starting a new paragraph for a change of speaker used in the future, though.
Charlotte Ross
A moment of clarity in the usually insane ramblings of Charlotte, no cult hijinks this time either-- maybe even Charlotte has to take Mad Dog seriously. The conflict of the grand plans of the Soulless with the petty dislikes of Charlotte for Mad Dog added a bit of levity and a touch of insanity to the feel of the piece, an appreciable use of a writing tool. Wound up feeling longer than it was.
Marvelous Mike Mason versus Dakota Rabbit
Dakota, where art thou? I know we took a minute to properly book her, but I was hoping to see what the other half of Bunny Burrow was made of. Also could've built to a confrontation in the future of their respective teams.
Marvelous Mike
Much like the writer's work on Mad Dog, the sense of Mason's identity cuts through immediately to the reader. As noted with Nicholas King, it's hard to sell with a character that has a massive ego, one difficulty to playing the type. But in this Mason manages to address his loss from his own point of view without losing ground, with hints of an unreliable narrator perspective that works so well with heels. The sexism as a gimmick is framed in a way to make it nonoffensive out-of-character; clearly Mason's heel and we aren't meant to agree with him, and he still does it with a flair that makes it entertaining. This kind of thing is why I'm hesitant to blanket ban ic bigotry, because in the right hands it can be part of a story worth telling. A love-to-hate heel is one that puts asses in seats, or in this case keeps readers coming back for more promos. This did drag a teeny bit. The use of Creole by our unseen speaker gives a hint to who they might be for the reader committed enough to do a little research, without being enough to lose a reader who isn't.
Josh Kaine versus Jacob Striker
Another new face going against a veteran here, in the leadup to Shogun. These two felt evenly matched and interesting in booking, and I was curious to see what they'd make of one another. Admittedly, it was very close, so I was right in that regard.
Josh Kaine
This is a writer who's done it long enough to acquire their flow, and spent enough time with the character in question to build their background universe to give the feel of a fully formed person. Background characters shared with existing roster members (admittedly mine, but still) helps tie in a feeling of relevancy, along with the tie to an existing roster member directly in a future feud. I'd ask how Josh perhaps feels about Nikki's current line in Ashes of the Wake with Havoc, but I get the feeling a bit of mystery is intended here. The initiative taken to mess with Roo (with permission ooc) makes it easier to arrange storylines from a fedhead perspective. I'm wondering how this line is going to play alongside Josh being in Shogun. Could've spent more time on Striker, but as a newcomer there's understandably a lot of personalities to take in in a short time, so I'll give a little leeway early on.
Jacob Striker
Striker comes in with the fire after ghosting us last round, showing similar hallmarks of an established character universe and continuity, albeit maybe with a little less flow and flair. What he does have to his advantage though is a sense of relevance, both to his history in the fed and the fed itself. A bit of lost advantage here in the feeling I have that the bulk of his argument came as a response to Kaine's, and wondering what he'd have said otherwise.
Triple Threat Tag Team
We further the tag team revival with a little action that gives two of Dystopia's couples a chance to get a feel for their bond in competition, along with tying into the Noah Hanson/Paul Sinclair general manager feud before Shogun takes over our booking spread and makes stories more difficult to wedge in.
Blake Anderson
No frills here, we don't even give the interviewer a name or gender-- Blake's strength is raw argument, and bahgawd he uses it. No wasted space, his guns are aimed firmly at the Noah storyline and long term.
Chris Matthews
The relationship storyline works for Chris here, as tagging with Pandora means he can strut his stuff in showing their connection with it remaining relevant to the match. A classic Matthews piece with a practiced flow that gets mildly clunky here and there. I'm not sure where the Savior of Dystopia theme comes from or ties in, though, except that the picbase is doing the gimmick. There's an unexpected amount of vitriol at Hunter, almost makes me want to make a storyline out of this. A lot gets done in the allotted space. Unfortunately, it also goes slightly over its allotted space.
Belladonna Hunter
While I'm someone who downplays formatting and layouts in efedding compared to some in favor of content, this could use some space management tactics to make it more readable-- mainly with the big chunk o' paragraph early on. It's good to give things a little visual space and let your points sink in. She takes us on a rollercoaster of emotion from despair at loss to rage at her opponent's words, for sure, which makes Hunter relatable. I kind of like her teaming with Blake, there's a balance there, though they won't be able to team for a while with Shogun coming up and Blake's storyline with Noah. Maybe for the best, as I'm not quite sure how comfortable the characters were with it in the end.
Tiger Towers
A bit short of a piece for this match given the amount of players competing in it. A very basic touching on of opponents, a little bit of insight in their lives with the bus and water park bit. Feels rather bare bones.
Pandora Barrett
The practiced flow is here, the high-readability format is a plus. "I don't even know who you are" seldom buys much slack with me (finding out is literally your character's job), though as new as Tiger Towers are in their return it's in part understandable. The argument leans on responding to this week's work a bit much, but she spends time building team solidarity here beyond that, which lays groundwork for more long term storylines.
Godzilla versus Zolton versus Sah'ta Thor
A straight up battle-of-gods-and-monsters dream match for its own sake before Shogun. A chance for Zolton and Thor to fill out their returns and show us what they're made of, and for Demetrius Lane to see if he can continue his roll in the face of stiffer competition.
Demetrius Lane
The rich attention paid to description and scene setting here is admirable and branches out to multiple senses. Food ties into culture, and culture ties into identity, which gives us a bit more insight into who Demetrius is. So does his family dynamic. It also unfortunately eats up a lot of his available real estate in introduction, even being in the semi-main-- on the up side, I'd guess that future use of the characters introduced here could be abbreviated to reminders in the future after doing this foundation work. There's no traditional oncam shoot or interview, but really, the scene presented covers the argument well enough without needing a rehash, and it does it in a different and more natural setting. I look forward to more!
Zolton
There's story flowing-- apparently the girl highlighting his life is a different one from the last piece, which kinda overturns for me the argument last show about how the power of real love had renewed him? The fourth-wall-breaking narrator dialogue doesn't do the most favors for me, but maybe it's one of those acquired taste charms individual to a character. The writer is good, this can't be denied, but this felt like losing a step this round. The argument section makes up for a bit, though.
Sah'ta Thor
This didn't make the minimum word count, but understanding that the writer was under real life stress, I'm glad he made the effort and showed up. Thor might be in multiple feds, but he does a decent job of laying the groundwork for his feud with Cedrone here. And while doing so, he's not putting too much of his future material out there and still keeping an eye on his opponents of the week. While I'm familiar with the writer from years back, I'm looking forward to seeing what he can do in 2020 when he gives it an appropriate amount of time.
International Title Match
Jonny Cedrone
While I don't feel like the writer has fully found their flow or niche yet, I have to say I'm perpetually impressed by the selling and the pure babyface portrayal of Cedrone. It's a set of advanced skills which not many on this roster-- or current efedding-- have mastered. And he does it without tipping over into a tone that could easily come off as too condescending in this sort of role. It's going to make for an interesting clash with the very different Sah'ta Thor, which I'm drooling to see. Phrasing gets a little clunky towards the end, but good effort.
Stephanie Matsuda
Much smoother flow than her opponent, but could use some work on spacing things out and letting her points breathe in smaller paragraphs. Matsuda is successful in multiple promotions for a reason, and she sells well without losing footing.
Top Five Promos Of The Card:
Mad Dog, Godzilla, Stephanie Matsuda, Jonny Cedrone, Josh Kaine.
Honorable mention to Chris Matthews, who would've tied with Kaine but for his DQ.