Post by Eden on Jan 21, 2021 0:31:54 GMT -5
Shogun: The Matches
Elijah Copeland
Honestly? The length of this just highlighted this issue of... see, everybody talks about what an entitled prick Elijah is, but he always leaves me wanting something more from him. I want more than just being told he's an entitled prick. Verbally abuse an interviewer. Do a CD scene where he buys something exorbitant just because he can and ruins a small child's day. Or maybe best yet, let him encounter an obstacle that he can't buy his way around and have something actually challenge him-- I'm imagining a childish meltdown, but who knows, he could surprise me. Maybe actually not making it to the top of Shogun could be something of an obstacle for him to try to accept.
Josh Kaine
Seeing a glimpse of Josh's adoptive parents was cute. It's interesting to see him take on a bit of ego-- he's kept it chill for a while now-- but he's earned it at this juncture, which makes it feel authentic.
Renee Jonae
What can I even say? You're a great RPer, and you deserved to win this tournament. Fantastic job.
Levi Tsingine
Yawl don't know the struggle that was actually trying to write this. Like, it got down to brass tacks and I almost couldn't do it. Turned out good enough at least to get to the finals, which makes the struggle worth it.
Match Three: Affliction Championship | Havoc Vs Lyons Jr
Vincent Lyons Junior
Honestly, reading this promo and hitting the end had me sitting back and taking in how far the writer's come just since I started following the story. This was well written. The callbacks to previous rounds of the rivalry were done in such a way that it clued me in on things I didn't know, and did it without feeling like it'd be hamfisted for someone who did know. I like that the different matches for the Revolutionaries were pulled together in a plan to bring light to WWH.
Havoc
I come off that perfectly-enough promo of VLJ telling me of the past, into Havoc showing me the past. Which brings the writing idiom show, don't tell to mind. Of course, then we spin into terrible purple that is too dark for this board paired with being super vibrant, and I have to stop and mess around with a browser plugin to continue reading the work comfortably. Havoc thrashes VLJ here, makes me hate him, and yet does it on a level where I have no choice but to give him his just dues. But you know what I hate? That I put this thing through three different wordcounters and all of them had it coming in over the limit. Why do you hate me?!
Match Four: David Morgan versus Hanari Carnes
Hanari Carnes
WHAT WHAT WHAAAA. Carnes comes in so explosively I'm pretty sure my fucking eyebrows are still sizzling from reading this the first time, and it's been several hours ago. Pity you went way over word limit, because otherwise, unbelievable job-- as your Dystopia booking shows, you told us where to book you on our cards, f'sure.
David Morgan
David is a character-- and I mean that in the unusual/charming/amusing type of definition of the word. I feel like I need to see more of him to get a hang of the character and his nature. Pretty good work, could see it winning a Dystopia match, just had the misfortune to be facing something that blew me out of my shoes.
Match Five: Women's #2 Contendership
Latoya Hixx
How do I continue to write the most repetitive promos fresh feedback week after week? I think I'll take a page out of your own book and make myself a template. Same ol' song and dance, updated with opponents' names and basic info. What's lacking is anything fresh. Now with Starr Robinson!
Monica Mardona
It's Jonna Austin, not Joanna, and I'm going to continue to note that on everyone who gets it wrong for all eternity. Other than that... should I try to give you constructive criticism and praise as a writer after the recent drama? Because those two things come bundled together with me, and it seems you can't handle negativity in any form. I think I'll keep that to myself, at least until you return. please take all the time you need to get to a better place mentally and physically.
Victoria Lyons
What can I say? I kind of have a soft spot for Victoria, and I can't explain why. Sure, there's a lot that could be done to fill out the character more, but I find her endearing as she is already. As I've said elsewhere, I kind of regret not having Isle around for her introduction, because maybe she wouldn't have taken such a beating, but it did give her the opportunity to show this understated plucky courage that so far has become her defining trait.
NADIA
This whole promo appears to have been written by Nadia's manager, which is a different handler, and one I've noted as feeling I need to withhold comment on for the moment. When Nadia actually has writing for me, I'll comment.
Maggie McIntyre
You wrote this without my help. I need a word for friendly envy. I friendly-envy how much and how well you can write with ease, when I have to push myself to do what I do and sometimes it's like pulling teeth-- albeit necessary. It used to be easy for me too. This has been more about me than you, but you don't need my proddings towards some improvement. This was an imaginative twist that we'll do something with down the line. I will note here, since I haven't directly addressed it to you yet-- people have an issue with your direct responses to things posted on the same card. To the point where I'm going to have to make some sort of less nebulous rule about it. Heed it, it could cost you in the future.
Mercedes Vargas
This felt like a good sell of Mercedes, though she didn't dig her claws into her opponents. Is that babyface grace, or lack of effort, though? It was nonetheless beautifully and strongly said, and a reminder not to ignore Vargas when she has a line. Which, hopefully, in the new year we can find one for Mercedes. I want to see the potential behind this writer's flow.
Jonna Austin
I know this was written last minute, and I feel like you managed to take that last-minute vibe and turn it into something that worked in-character as well. It's a neat trick, good flexibility as a writer there. You made wordcount and avoided losing ground in Jonna's climb to opening the case despite not winning this match. I hope we can plan an Affliction match on a better week for you.
Match Six: Tag Team Elimination Chamber
Gabe Reno
What can I even say? Do I need to say? Not much. Definition of five star flow. Though it was less cutting, perhaps from being spread out across multiple opponents. Got a couple good Hive digs though.
Dr. Paige Matthews
A good return for Paige, and introduction for those of us who missed most of her original run. Perfectly acceptable promo. The Japanese touch was interesting, I worried it'd eat into your word count but doing this in two parts kept it from doing so.
Scary Spooky Skeletons
First RP read. Oh boy, was that an adventure. And you managed to cover all the opponents along the way, even without a shoot section. Always love the Skellies. <3
Second RP, we get the shoot. And kind of like Gabe's, it feels like it lacks sharpness probably from being spread too thin, but it covers it all-- which is rare in this match so far. Kudos.
Chris Chaos
This was an excellent introduction, and a rock solid promo. My thoughts as I go, reading everything in this thread for the first time? That it's going to take something big to beat this one. Same thing I got off the Carnes promo. Clappin' it out.
Doctor Sly
... weirdly beautiful. Creepy, but beautiful.
Lady Gwen Black
The Order has these surreal moments. Moments like... "I got to check in with The Lords of Light and Darkness and of course Gary." And I know what Gary she means, but the normalcy of the name in a bizarreo-land sentence makes me have to stop and blink. It's a weirdly charming quality, honestly? Pro: Honestly, splitting the opposition between two promos and the two wrestlers was a master stroke that I bet more teams wish they'd thought of. It gave the argument more room to punch. Con: I got real tired of reading 'in English'. Maybe best to leave that implied next time.
Shinigami Foundation
When I said it'd take something big to top Chaos' promo earlier? This would be something big. Tight argument made. Just... so dry it squeaks. Like, I need a glass of water and some eyedrops after reading Shinigami stuff.
Kassandra
This hit a pretty good stride as an introduction to half of a team connected to a very familiar character. Not as strong feeling as a Legion rp, but really that fits their role if you think about it. You covered some of the teams, I'm suspecting others will be in the Danae one? If so, it's not just the Soulless who thought of that then! Good strategy.
Charlotte Ross
Okay... if 'in English' was a bit repetitive last round, this round it got annoying. But now I want to see Soulless Sisters versus Skellies for real.
Danae
Danae has a less chaotic feel than Kassandra, so kudos for a bit of giving them different personalities. You mix up usage of your/you're and their/they're a bit, and don't stick to one tense ('She smirks as she looked at the cameraman', for example) and working on this a bit might help your flow. Overall, the Hive were among the top teams in the match that made it incredibly hard to judge. Your relevancy is on point.
Lilith Evans
Shotgun? Was this written on a phone? It was short enough to have been. But with lyrics you managed to make the wordcount, so thank you for that much. I look forward to seeing what the Abby/Orianna rivalry might bring out in you.
Dynamic Duo
Didn't make minimum wordcount, felt like an afterthought, but the seg you wrote combined with private conversations gives me some clue on where you're heading and this match doesn't fit into that equation, so halfway skipping it and not risking winning the titles is understandable.
Match Seven: Noah Hanson versus Blake Anderson
Blake Anderson
This was a good point for a recap. Kinda weird to have it recapped once in narrative and once on the oncam though. Once the oncam took off, though? ENERGY ENERGY ENERGY. Jeeeeeez. It's like Blake did shots of rocket fuel before he came on camera, and I love it. Regardless of the match outcome, it propels him in a direction going forward. After reading this I want Blake on my tv and I want it regularly. Your strength is the dialogue, all killer.
Noah Hanson
We sort of step in mid-thought on this, and it leaves me off stride for a sec. The pure dialogue, gotta say, has super easy readability factor and an ease to follow. The argument's structured, and we get a little peek at a bigger picture at the end. Touche.
[ht]
Semi-Main: International Championship, Cedrone versus Matsuda
Jonny Cedrone
What do you get when you give Jonny Cedrone 3,500 words to do his thing? More damned heart than one person can bear.
Stephanie Matsuda
Can I just put a gaping-mouthed emoji in place of feedback? I just... just... fire. And you can't see it yet, but I have Plotty Fingers regarding Matsuda's future in this company.
Main Event #1
Zolton
As I think you know being on staff, I was worried about how to end this match, because Havoc went over wordcount again and we'd already done one of his two matches as a DQ for it. Then I actually sat down and really read, and couldn't bear to take an earned win away from you and declare yet another rematch when you've chased the title for so long without getting it till now. Zolton is hit-or-miss for me, and this one hit. Even being a reader of Zolton for a shorter time than most, the appearance of Little Miss rather than just her voice still hit a note of importance for me.
Havoc
Going over wordcount, if anything, hobbled you on this one-- not because of an actual DQ this time, I didn't count it against you in actual scores directly, but indirectly because to be honest this piece dragged hard. Giving a plotline to Havoc's usual ramblings to give a structure to something this long was absolutely a right move, to be clear. And the plotline itself was a good one that demonstrated Havoc's mercurial and untrustworthy nature even to his own initiates, which in cult dynamics is an accurate tool many times. It leaves the followers constantly on unsteady footing and on edge because they're wondering if they're making a wrong or right view in their leader's eyes, which is both emotionally exhausting and leaves them in a constant state of deference/submission. I'd say to try to tighten it up for the rematch-- but honestly, knowing the twists and turns coming for the Ashes of the Wake through communication of other handlers, you may well be filling your allotted time more tightly just through nature of course. (A bit more direct communication with me in your direction would be appreciated, while I'm on the topic.)
Top Whatever-Number Promos of Shogun
Havoc (vs VLJ, pre DQ), Noah Hanson, Stephanie Matsuda, Renee Jonae, Vincent Lyons Jr, Hanari Carnes (pre DQ), Hugh Merus.
Rankings
With the post-Shogun freshening of the spreadsheet.
1 Renee Jonae 19.1
2 Stephanie Matsuda 18.8
3 Josh Kaine 18.0715
4 Jonny Cedrone 17.2
5 Viincent Lyons 16.5
6 Zolton 16.0355
7 Maggie McIintyre 16
8 Blake Anderson 15.8335
9 Havoc 15.5
10 Victoria Lyons 15
Elijah Copeland
Honestly? The length of this just highlighted this issue of... see, everybody talks about what an entitled prick Elijah is, but he always leaves me wanting something more from him. I want more than just being told he's an entitled prick. Verbally abuse an interviewer. Do a CD scene where he buys something exorbitant just because he can and ruins a small child's day. Or maybe best yet, let him encounter an obstacle that he can't buy his way around and have something actually challenge him-- I'm imagining a childish meltdown, but who knows, he could surprise me. Maybe actually not making it to the top of Shogun could be something of an obstacle for him to try to accept.
Josh Kaine
Seeing a glimpse of Josh's adoptive parents was cute. It's interesting to see him take on a bit of ego-- he's kept it chill for a while now-- but he's earned it at this juncture, which makes it feel authentic.
Renee Jonae
What can I even say? You're a great RPer, and you deserved to win this tournament. Fantastic job.
Levi Tsingine
Yawl don't know the struggle that was actually trying to write this. Like, it got down to brass tacks and I almost couldn't do it. Turned out good enough at least to get to the finals, which makes the struggle worth it.
Match Three: Affliction Championship | Havoc Vs Lyons Jr
Vincent Lyons Junior
Honestly, reading this promo and hitting the end had me sitting back and taking in how far the writer's come just since I started following the story. This was well written. The callbacks to previous rounds of the rivalry were done in such a way that it clued me in on things I didn't know, and did it without feeling like it'd be hamfisted for someone who did know. I like that the different matches for the Revolutionaries were pulled together in a plan to bring light to WWH.
Havoc
I come off that perfectly-enough promo of VLJ telling me of the past, into Havoc showing me the past. Which brings the writing idiom show, don't tell to mind. Of course, then we spin into terrible purple that is too dark for this board paired with being super vibrant, and I have to stop and mess around with a browser plugin to continue reading the work comfortably. Havoc thrashes VLJ here, makes me hate him, and yet does it on a level where I have no choice but to give him his just dues. But you know what I hate? That I put this thing through three different wordcounters and all of them had it coming in over the limit. Why do you hate me?!
Match Four: David Morgan versus Hanari Carnes
Hanari Carnes
WHAT WHAT WHAAAA. Carnes comes in so explosively I'm pretty sure my fucking eyebrows are still sizzling from reading this the first time, and it's been several hours ago. Pity you went way over word limit, because otherwise, unbelievable job-- as your Dystopia booking shows, you told us where to book you on our cards, f'sure.
David Morgan
David is a character-- and I mean that in the unusual/charming/amusing type of definition of the word. I feel like I need to see more of him to get a hang of the character and his nature. Pretty good work, could see it winning a Dystopia match, just had the misfortune to be facing something that blew me out of my shoes.
Match Five: Women's #2 Contendership
Latoya Hixx
How do I continue to write the most repetitive promos fresh feedback week after week? I think I'll take a page out of your own book and make myself a template. Same ol' song and dance, updated with opponents' names and basic info. What's lacking is anything fresh. Now with Starr Robinson!
Monica Mardona
It's Jonna Austin, not Joanna, and I'm going to continue to note that on everyone who gets it wrong for all eternity. Other than that... should I try to give you constructive criticism and praise as a writer after the recent drama? Because those two things come bundled together with me, and it seems you can't handle negativity in any form. I think I'll keep that to myself, at least until you return. please take all the time you need to get to a better place mentally and physically.
Victoria Lyons
What can I say? I kind of have a soft spot for Victoria, and I can't explain why. Sure, there's a lot that could be done to fill out the character more, but I find her endearing as she is already. As I've said elsewhere, I kind of regret not having Isle around for her introduction, because maybe she wouldn't have taken such a beating, but it did give her the opportunity to show this understated plucky courage that so far has become her defining trait.
NADIA
This whole promo appears to have been written by Nadia's manager, which is a different handler, and one I've noted as feeling I need to withhold comment on for the moment. When Nadia actually has writing for me, I'll comment.
Maggie McIntyre
You wrote this without my help. I need a word for friendly envy. I friendly-envy how much and how well you can write with ease, when I have to push myself to do what I do and sometimes it's like pulling teeth-- albeit necessary. It used to be easy for me too. This has been more about me than you, but you don't need my proddings towards some improvement. This was an imaginative twist that we'll do something with down the line. I will note here, since I haven't directly addressed it to you yet-- people have an issue with your direct responses to things posted on the same card. To the point where I'm going to have to make some sort of less nebulous rule about it. Heed it, it could cost you in the future.
Mercedes Vargas
This felt like a good sell of Mercedes, though she didn't dig her claws into her opponents. Is that babyface grace, or lack of effort, though? It was nonetheless beautifully and strongly said, and a reminder not to ignore Vargas when she has a line. Which, hopefully, in the new year we can find one for Mercedes. I want to see the potential behind this writer's flow.
Jonna Austin
I know this was written last minute, and I feel like you managed to take that last-minute vibe and turn it into something that worked in-character as well. It's a neat trick, good flexibility as a writer there. You made wordcount and avoided losing ground in Jonna's climb to opening the case despite not winning this match. I hope we can plan an Affliction match on a better week for you.
Match Six: Tag Team Elimination Chamber
Gabe Reno
What can I even say? Do I need to say? Not much. Definition of five star flow. Though it was less cutting, perhaps from being spread out across multiple opponents. Got a couple good Hive digs though.
Dr. Paige Matthews
A good return for Paige, and introduction for those of us who missed most of her original run. Perfectly acceptable promo. The Japanese touch was interesting, I worried it'd eat into your word count but doing this in two parts kept it from doing so.
Scary Spooky Skeletons
First RP read. Oh boy, was that an adventure. And you managed to cover all the opponents along the way, even without a shoot section. Always love the Skellies. <3
Second RP, we get the shoot. And kind of like Gabe's, it feels like it lacks sharpness probably from being spread too thin, but it covers it all-- which is rare in this match so far. Kudos.
Chris Chaos
This was an excellent introduction, and a rock solid promo. My thoughts as I go, reading everything in this thread for the first time? That it's going to take something big to beat this one. Same thing I got off the Carnes promo. Clappin' it out.
Doctor Sly
... weirdly beautiful. Creepy, but beautiful.
Lady Gwen Black
The Order has these surreal moments. Moments like... "I got to check in with The Lords of Light and Darkness and of course Gary." And I know what Gary she means, but the normalcy of the name in a bizarreo-land sentence makes me have to stop and blink. It's a weirdly charming quality, honestly? Pro: Honestly, splitting the opposition between two promos and the two wrestlers was a master stroke that I bet more teams wish they'd thought of. It gave the argument more room to punch. Con: I got real tired of reading 'in English'. Maybe best to leave that implied next time.
Shinigami Foundation
When I said it'd take something big to top Chaos' promo earlier? This would be something big. Tight argument made. Just... so dry it squeaks. Like, I need a glass of water and some eyedrops after reading Shinigami stuff.
Kassandra
This hit a pretty good stride as an introduction to half of a team connected to a very familiar character. Not as strong feeling as a Legion rp, but really that fits their role if you think about it. You covered some of the teams, I'm suspecting others will be in the Danae one? If so, it's not just the Soulless who thought of that then! Good strategy.
Charlotte Ross
Okay... if 'in English' was a bit repetitive last round, this round it got annoying. But now I want to see Soulless Sisters versus Skellies for real.
Danae
Danae has a less chaotic feel than Kassandra, so kudos for a bit of giving them different personalities. You mix up usage of your/you're and their/they're a bit, and don't stick to one tense ('She smirks as she looked at the cameraman', for example) and working on this a bit might help your flow. Overall, the Hive were among the top teams in the match that made it incredibly hard to judge. Your relevancy is on point.
Lilith Evans
Shotgun? Was this written on a phone? It was short enough to have been. But with lyrics you managed to make the wordcount, so thank you for that much. I look forward to seeing what the Abby/Orianna rivalry might bring out in you.
Dynamic Duo
Didn't make minimum wordcount, felt like an afterthought, but the seg you wrote combined with private conversations gives me some clue on where you're heading and this match doesn't fit into that equation, so halfway skipping it and not risking winning the titles is understandable.
Match Seven: Noah Hanson versus Blake Anderson
Blake Anderson
This was a good point for a recap. Kinda weird to have it recapped once in narrative and once on the oncam though. Once the oncam took off, though? ENERGY ENERGY ENERGY. Jeeeeeez. It's like Blake did shots of rocket fuel before he came on camera, and I love it. Regardless of the match outcome, it propels him in a direction going forward. After reading this I want Blake on my tv and I want it regularly. Your strength is the dialogue, all killer.
Noah Hanson
We sort of step in mid-thought on this, and it leaves me off stride for a sec. The pure dialogue, gotta say, has super easy readability factor and an ease to follow. The argument's structured, and we get a little peek at a bigger picture at the end. Touche.
[ht]
Semi-Main: International Championship, Cedrone versus Matsuda
Jonny Cedrone
What do you get when you give Jonny Cedrone 3,500 words to do his thing? More damned heart than one person can bear.
Stephanie Matsuda
Can I just put a gaping-mouthed emoji in place of feedback? I just... just... fire. And you can't see it yet, but I have Plotty Fingers regarding Matsuda's future in this company.
Main Event #1
Zolton
As I think you know being on staff, I was worried about how to end this match, because Havoc went over wordcount again and we'd already done one of his two matches as a DQ for it. Then I actually sat down and really read, and couldn't bear to take an earned win away from you and declare yet another rematch when you've chased the title for so long without getting it till now. Zolton is hit-or-miss for me, and this one hit. Even being a reader of Zolton for a shorter time than most, the appearance of Little Miss rather than just her voice still hit a note of importance for me.
Havoc
Going over wordcount, if anything, hobbled you on this one-- not because of an actual DQ this time, I didn't count it against you in actual scores directly, but indirectly because to be honest this piece dragged hard. Giving a plotline to Havoc's usual ramblings to give a structure to something this long was absolutely a right move, to be clear. And the plotline itself was a good one that demonstrated Havoc's mercurial and untrustworthy nature even to his own initiates, which in cult dynamics is an accurate tool many times. It leaves the followers constantly on unsteady footing and on edge because they're wondering if they're making a wrong or right view in their leader's eyes, which is both emotionally exhausting and leaves them in a constant state of deference/submission. I'd say to try to tighten it up for the rematch-- but honestly, knowing the twists and turns coming for the Ashes of the Wake through communication of other handlers, you may well be filling your allotted time more tightly just through nature of course. (A bit more direct communication with me in your direction would be appreciated, while I'm on the topic.)
Top Whatever-Number Promos of Shogun
Havoc (vs VLJ, pre DQ), Noah Hanson, Stephanie Matsuda, Renee Jonae, Vincent Lyons Jr, Hanari Carnes (pre DQ), Hugh Merus.
Rankings
With the post-Shogun freshening of the spreadsheet.
1 Renee Jonae 19.1
2 Stephanie Matsuda 18.8
3 Josh Kaine 18.0715
4 Jonny Cedrone 17.2
5 Viincent Lyons 16.5
6 Zolton 16.0355
7 Maggie McIintyre 16
8 Blake Anderson 15.8335
9 Havoc 15.5
10 Victoria Lyons 15