Forbidden Fruit #2:| Sanatorium 05/30/2020
Sept 2, 2020 19:28:13 GMT -5
maddog, "The Insanity" Aaron Jones, and 1 more like this
Post by Eden on Sept 2, 2020 19:28:13 GMT -5
So what exactly is Forbidden Fruit, you might ask? It's where I dangle my feedback and input, also serving as a recap of what's going down in the fed, written as I read the promos of the week. Dare you consume?
Please note that if constructive criticism doesn't suit you, upsets you, or any such, you're free to message me opting out. The whole thing benefits me too, as making myself articulate what I thought about a piece helps me in scoring fairly. And if I lose you on something, or you need more elaboration, feel free to ask and I'll try to get it to you soon as I'm free.
John Blade & Zach versus The Spooky Scary Skeletons
An opportunity for the Skellies to warm up them old bones before they're met by the Lobos and Soulless Sisters.
Spooky Scary Skeletons
What's not to love. No seriously. I came in hoping for pure retro Halloween horror vibes and I was not disappointed. As usual with this writer, the description was on point-- vivid pictures painted without going too far into the realm of purple prose where it gets distracting from the narrative. Huzzah! The only thing I can offer in concrit is there are a few spots where words are misused. Examples: near-do-wells instead of ne'er-do-wells, wretching his hands instead of wringing his hands.
John Blade
The medium gray of Ace Michael's speech was unpleasant to read against the dark gray of the board. Also, who is Ace Michael and what does he own in this sentence? This was... a little less coherent than I'm even used to out of a John Blade promo. I try to be positive on these, but this honestly had me wondering if the writer imbibed too much NyQuil or perhaps Ambien before attempting to promo.
Ace Michaels (USA) versus Mad Dog (Appalachia)
Mad Dog
Not much else you could ask for from a Mad Dog promo. You've got as much of a firecracker promo as one could cut on a character that doesn't regularly wrestle, you've got character development, good stuff. Pity the opponent didn't show. I'd say that time should give it more polish, but on this character a relative roughness of the writing works for it. I'm writing this as I go, so as of this moment I haven't read everything, but I anticipate this being one of the promos of the week.
Levi Tsingine (Navajo Nation) versus Travis Levitt (Australia)
Note: I'm not the judge of this, thus these aren't the notes of the judge of the match. I hand off my own matches to be judged by others-- for fairness as fedhead, and also because historically I'm basically blind to whether my own work is quality/trash when compared to outside opinion.
Levi Tsingine
This is where I point the finely-honed weapon of my mind at myself. See, I can't tell if this character is a tad dry, or if it's perfectly good and just not the depiction I had in mind leaving me the only one dissatisfied here. More promo needed. More of the scene at the end would've been better too, though I would've had to trim it down considerably throughout to find another good spot to end it on. More of both isn't feasible, though. Not bad but not my best-- more time spent with him should remedy that, if anything does.
Travis Levitt
When discussing this with the judge for it, we both came away agreeing about something: this dude is a threat. And I mean that in a positive way. Solid promo work, which is saying something when Levi is both brand new and not the easiest target. Good selling. Good flow. For me the only weak points I can cite is basically a certain shakiness that comes along with being new to a fed, and that I feel like I only got a sliver of who Travis Levitt is. Definitely be hyped to find out more as the tournament goes on, though, since it's round robin he could still take away the win here.
Aaron Jones (Malta) versus Abby Evans (Romania)
Abby Evans
I try to keep it pretty positive on Forbidden Fruits, but this one-scene oncam felt like it could almost be about anybody with a simple name swap. It's not a good look. I say 'almost' because it managed to note that Aaron is relatively new here, but that said there's enough material out there to get a feel for him, so a little less leeway from me on that front. Um. The flow wasn't trash, the premise had some legs on it, and I appreciated the vibe and the Romanian? The talent's there if the writer tries.
Aaron Jones
The strength of Aaron Jones pieces is that they exemplify the episodic storytelling that efedding has the potential to showcase. And it does it while both making returning readers want to see more, and not losing the rando who just walked in and has no idea what's going on before the start of the piece. That last is an aspect I could work on myself. What this writer could work on: flow. In spots, things just go... clunky as heck, and there's redundancies (for example saying that his gang was all in prison in the narrative, then immediately saying it in dialogue). I'd suggest reading back what has been written to see if it feels natural. The promo's fire, the storyline of making Aaron half Maltese is ballsy (and leaves me wanting to make Maltese Falcon references because I am a bit of an old cinema nerd), all in all good job.
Elijah Copeland (China) versus Giant Tiger (Italy)
Elijah Copeland
There's this funny thing where, to me, playing rich vapid heels actually winds up being hard in a way? Because by their very design, you can't actually give them depth through time without changing the whole character. Not everybody can pull off being Tony Stark. One thing I'd advise: start weighing quality over quantity, maybe rein in the length and work on throwing in a couple zingers and making the dialogue snappier? These sorts of heels wind up red-hot when they get smart-mouthed and become love-to-hate characters.
Giant Tiger
One place to start is by rereading the piece before posting it for typos, capitalization, and other basic grammaticals. I'm no hard edge person for grammar, I don't write off someone just because of that for sure, but lots of these issues distract your reader from the point you're trying to make. The fewer bumps in the road they have to confront, the easier it is to immerse themselves in the scene you're creating. I will say that this is the best from the Tigers I've seen yet, the interview was some unexpected fire that I encourage the writer to chase. Beyond Shogun, finding a rivalry with a character or team that really stokes their engines in this department could be the key to finding their stride.
Tora Nishida (Japan) versus Phantom (Russia)
Phantom
... I don't know what I expected from an Order of the Soulless congregation.... but can I just say I found the OotS groupchat intriguing and surprising in some way I can't articulate? I was also surprised to realize that Phantom is the first one to address his whole tier instead of just his opponent of the week. The talk about Tora seemed somewhat incoherent in parts, which can be explained as craziness, but... still, it's not quite as strong as a coherent argument would be, rite?
Tora Nishida
In quality, this shone in comparison to other recent Nishida offerings. The unfortunate part is that it felt cut short. For some reason, the writer seems to have an issue with consistency in capitalization that I find distracting. When it was just the Demolition Championship, I almost thought it was an intentional disrespect thing, but now the show name too? Hm.
V versus Kiki Katharsies
Hoooboy. I had a lot of feelings about this outcome, most of them... not what you'd expect I suppose. As with the other match involving one of mine, the following are my thoughts, not that of the judge of the match.
Kiki Katharsies
I... um... don't feel like I can comment on some of this content. I will say that, unlike my character, viewing the change in Kiki as a progression of storytelling? It's been an interesting ride that's been unhurried in its progression, something a lot of writers trip up on and hotshot to the big moments. And it's not quite done, so I look forward to what comes next.
V
To the eyes of somebody walking in cold, I'm not sure that the relevance of the first scene would be clear. To me, or someone who followed long term, this situation with the tournament has been a place to showcase a lot of growth and change over the last ten years or so for this character. Which kind of makes the part directed at Kiki funny, because he really doesn't realize how much he's changed.
Top Five Scoring Promos:
Mad Dog, V, Levi Tsingine, Travis Levitt, Spooky Scary Skeletons.
Please note that if constructive criticism doesn't suit you, upsets you, or any such, you're free to message me opting out. The whole thing benefits me too, as making myself articulate what I thought about a piece helps me in scoring fairly. And if I lose you on something, or you need more elaboration, feel free to ask and I'll try to get it to you soon as I'm free.
John Blade & Zach versus The Spooky Scary Skeletons
An opportunity for the Skellies to warm up them old bones before they're met by the Lobos and Soulless Sisters.
Spooky Scary Skeletons
What's not to love. No seriously. I came in hoping for pure retro Halloween horror vibes and I was not disappointed. As usual with this writer, the description was on point-- vivid pictures painted without going too far into the realm of purple prose where it gets distracting from the narrative. Huzzah! The only thing I can offer in concrit is there are a few spots where words are misused. Examples: near-do-wells instead of ne'er-do-wells, wretching his hands instead of wringing his hands.
John Blade
The medium gray of Ace Michael's speech was unpleasant to read against the dark gray of the board. Also, who is Ace Michael and what does he own in this sentence? This was... a little less coherent than I'm even used to out of a John Blade promo. I try to be positive on these, but this honestly had me wondering if the writer imbibed too much NyQuil or perhaps Ambien before attempting to promo.
Ace Michaels (USA) versus Mad Dog (Appalachia)
Mad Dog
Not much else you could ask for from a Mad Dog promo. You've got as much of a firecracker promo as one could cut on a character that doesn't regularly wrestle, you've got character development, good stuff. Pity the opponent didn't show. I'd say that time should give it more polish, but on this character a relative roughness of the writing works for it. I'm writing this as I go, so as of this moment I haven't read everything, but I anticipate this being one of the promos of the week.
Levi Tsingine (Navajo Nation) versus Travis Levitt (Australia)
Note: I'm not the judge of this, thus these aren't the notes of the judge of the match. I hand off my own matches to be judged by others-- for fairness as fedhead, and also because historically I'm basically blind to whether my own work is quality/trash when compared to outside opinion.
Levi Tsingine
This is where I point the finely-honed weapon of my mind at myself. See, I can't tell if this character is a tad dry, or if it's perfectly good and just not the depiction I had in mind leaving me the only one dissatisfied here. More promo needed. More of the scene at the end would've been better too, though I would've had to trim it down considerably throughout to find another good spot to end it on. More of both isn't feasible, though. Not bad but not my best-- more time spent with him should remedy that, if anything does.
Travis Levitt
When discussing this with the judge for it, we both came away agreeing about something: this dude is a threat. And I mean that in a positive way. Solid promo work, which is saying something when Levi is both brand new and not the easiest target. Good selling. Good flow. For me the only weak points I can cite is basically a certain shakiness that comes along with being new to a fed, and that I feel like I only got a sliver of who Travis Levitt is. Definitely be hyped to find out more as the tournament goes on, though, since it's round robin he could still take away the win here.
Aaron Jones (Malta) versus Abby Evans (Romania)
Abby Evans
I try to keep it pretty positive on Forbidden Fruits, but this one-scene oncam felt like it could almost be about anybody with a simple name swap. It's not a good look. I say 'almost' because it managed to note that Aaron is relatively new here, but that said there's enough material out there to get a feel for him, so a little less leeway from me on that front. Um. The flow wasn't trash, the premise had some legs on it, and I appreciated the vibe and the Romanian? The talent's there if the writer tries.
Aaron Jones
The strength of Aaron Jones pieces is that they exemplify the episodic storytelling that efedding has the potential to showcase. And it does it while both making returning readers want to see more, and not losing the rando who just walked in and has no idea what's going on before the start of the piece. That last is an aspect I could work on myself. What this writer could work on: flow. In spots, things just go... clunky as heck, and there's redundancies (for example saying that his gang was all in prison in the narrative, then immediately saying it in dialogue). I'd suggest reading back what has been written to see if it feels natural. The promo's fire, the storyline of making Aaron half Maltese is ballsy (and leaves me wanting to make Maltese Falcon references because I am a bit of an old cinema nerd), all in all good job.
Elijah Copeland (China) versus Giant Tiger (Italy)
Elijah Copeland
There's this funny thing where, to me, playing rich vapid heels actually winds up being hard in a way? Because by their very design, you can't actually give them depth through time without changing the whole character. Not everybody can pull off being Tony Stark. One thing I'd advise: start weighing quality over quantity, maybe rein in the length and work on throwing in a couple zingers and making the dialogue snappier? These sorts of heels wind up red-hot when they get smart-mouthed and become love-to-hate characters.
Giant Tiger
One place to start is by rereading the piece before posting it for typos, capitalization, and other basic grammaticals. I'm no hard edge person for grammar, I don't write off someone just because of that for sure, but lots of these issues distract your reader from the point you're trying to make. The fewer bumps in the road they have to confront, the easier it is to immerse themselves in the scene you're creating. I will say that this is the best from the Tigers I've seen yet, the interview was some unexpected fire that I encourage the writer to chase. Beyond Shogun, finding a rivalry with a character or team that really stokes their engines in this department could be the key to finding their stride.
Tora Nishida (Japan) versus Phantom (Russia)
Phantom
... I don't know what I expected from an Order of the Soulless congregation.... but can I just say I found the OotS groupchat intriguing and surprising in some way I can't articulate? I was also surprised to realize that Phantom is the first one to address his whole tier instead of just his opponent of the week. The talk about Tora seemed somewhat incoherent in parts, which can be explained as craziness, but... still, it's not quite as strong as a coherent argument would be, rite?
Tora Nishida
In quality, this shone in comparison to other recent Nishida offerings. The unfortunate part is that it felt cut short. For some reason, the writer seems to have an issue with consistency in capitalization that I find distracting. When it was just the Demolition Championship, I almost thought it was an intentional disrespect thing, but now the show name too? Hm.
V versus Kiki Katharsies
Hoooboy. I had a lot of feelings about this outcome, most of them... not what you'd expect I suppose. As with the other match involving one of mine, the following are my thoughts, not that of the judge of the match.
Kiki Katharsies
I... um... don't feel like I can comment on some of this content. I will say that, unlike my character, viewing the change in Kiki as a progression of storytelling? It's been an interesting ride that's been unhurried in its progression, something a lot of writers trip up on and hotshot to the big moments. And it's not quite done, so I look forward to what comes next.
V
To the eyes of somebody walking in cold, I'm not sure that the relevance of the first scene would be clear. To me, or someone who followed long term, this situation with the tournament has been a place to showcase a lot of growth and change over the last ten years or so for this character. Which kind of makes the part directed at Kiki funny, because he really doesn't realize how much he's changed.
Top Five Scoring Promos:
Mad Dog, V, Levi Tsingine, Travis Levitt, Spooky Scary Skeletons.